Bri Blahg… Halloween Fun With Norwegian Black Metal!

30 10 2009

by Brian Phillips (@BrianBlahg)

Friends and family can vouch for my endless fascination with Norwegian Black Metal. Let me clarify. I’m not a follower of the form, nor do I enjoy the music. I just think it’s hilarious! Tomorrow being Halloween, I thought I’d share some of aspects of NBM I find the most side splittingly funny.

What is Norweigian Black Metal?

Well kids, that would be bands that play very fast songs about satan, death, dying, satan, hell, torture, satan, chemical weapons, hell, the economic crisis, and satan. They play at a break neck tempo because when you’re singing about evil stuff you’re so into it, you can’t wait to get to the next song you’ve written about evil. NBM front men don’t so much as sing as snarl or growl. Many even sound like Cookie Monster.

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Our Dark Lord

My guess is they’re trying to approximate what they believe to be the voice of Lucifer. Regardless, I doubt any of these gentlemen have heard Lucifer speak (or sing), so they do the best they can based on available evidence. All that said, the sound of your average Norwegian Black Metal band is really secondary. Though fans of the genre will stab you with a sword for saying so, they all sound the same. The visuals are everything. All NBM bands must have the following:

1. Someone in the band has to wear frightening face make up:

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Nattefrost

 

The above is some NBM dude by the name of Nattefrost. I’d like to thank Mr. Frost because he illustrates the second requirement…

2. Studs, chains, and pentagram necklaces are a must. The belt of bullets is a nice touch too. Way to go Natte!

3. All NBM bands must have band logos that can’t be read by anyone. Check these out:

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Mayhem Logo

 

I know right, you can’t read it! Mayhem are perhaps the most infamous. They have no original members because being in Mayhem is literally a life and death proposition. One guy named “Dead” killed himself because he wanted to know what it was like to be dead. His band mates showed how much they loved and missed Dead by making a necklace out of his skull fragments. Oh, and they may or may not have ate part of him too. Another member stabbed a third to death because they were arguing over money (all bands argue over money, but murdering one and other is rare). I’m happy to report that for many years now no members of Mayhem have been killed on the job. They could put up one of those signs backstage like they have at factories.

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Safety First At The Plant

 

Here’s some other logos that are just as hilarious!

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Darkthrone

 

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Blunt Nard????

 

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???????????

 

4. Band members have to adopt evil aliases. This should be self evident. If you had a band called…. oh I don’t know…. Grave Burp you can’t have a lineup that reads:

Steve Hughes-Lead Vocals
Bill Johnson- Lead Guitar
Larry Bernstein- Bass
Doug Meatfist- Drums (Actually Meatfist is really fucking cool. I’m writing that one down)

You need names like these (all actual members of Mayhem, dead and alive):

Dead, Maniac, Occultus, Count Griznackh (who’s in prison for murdering Euronymous over money), Euronymous, Blackthorn, Blasphemer, Necrobutcher, Hellhammer, and Attila Csihar. See how much scarier that all is. Of course you do.

5. A stage show involving fake and/or real blood and suspended meat:

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This Is Where The Swine Flu Came From

 

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Cookie Cookie Cookie!

Notice how this member of Mayhem is fingering his bass chords while still making the devil sign. Pretty rad huh.

So there you have it kids. A nice little primer on Norwegian Black Metal. Now you’re ready to rock! Happy Halloween:

 

 

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